


What I've Done

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Loathing, Winchester Sister, making the wrong choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 07:05:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15043406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: A Rewrite of The Man Who Would Be King





	What I've Done

The expression on her face, when she realized he had been lying to them for almost a year was burned into his mind. It was all he saw, no matter where he went or what he did. The hurt, pained expression on her face. His betrayal had hurt them all. His betrayal had angered them all.

For such a long time it had been so clear to Castiel he was doing the right thing. Working with Crowley had been a necessary evil. It had been the only way and Castiel knew the Winchesters would never have understood that. Nor should they have too. They stopped one apocalypse and now the angels or a portion of them anyway, was trying to start another. Castiel had never been more ashamed in his life. Y/N and Dean had lost a brother to this war. A brother Castiel unsuccessfully had tried to bring back. Y/N had gone to school and Dean had found love. They moved on. They deserved to have lives. Castiel hadn’t wanted to disrupt them but he had watched. He had thought about asking for their help so many times. He knew it was his best option, but he couldn’t. Dean looked peaceful and Y/N looked happy. Castiel knew they missed Sam, but it was his choice to not contact them and to keep hunting on his own. Or so Castiel had thought back then. He hadn’t realized it wasn’t all of Sam he had pulled out of the cage. He hadn’t realized until it was too late. As soon as Dean learned about Sam’s missing piece, he had called his sister back in. Castiel had not shown himself but she has watched the anger and pain on her face as she faced her oldest brother. The same pain he had watched on Dean’s face when he had realized Bobby had known about Sam being back, had been written all over Y/N’s face as she confronted Dean.

That had been when Castiel knew he had changed. He felt as if someone plunged a dagger through his vessels heart, when he saw her pain. He had wanted to take it away. Take her away from all the ugliness in the world. He had felt responsible for that pain, because had he done the job right in the first place, had he brought all of Sam back like he had tried too, she would not have been standing before Dean right then with tears streaming her face.

Castiel knew watching her then that he loved her. Angels weren’t supposed to fall in love, but he did. He loved her more than he loved anything, still he pushed it down. He couldn’t afford to feel anything or let it cloud his judgement. He needed to save earth. Save her from having to revert another apocalypse along with her brothers. Her brothers that for a time had been like brothers to him as well. Brothers he had lied to every day for almost a year until he had slipped up and Dean had caught him in one.

Castiel remembered the pain on all their faces as they confronted him. He was so sure he’d been right as he spoke to them but now sitting here, his conviction was faltering. He had been trying so hard not to face all the things he had done. All the bad things. Unspeakable things. Castiel looked down at his hands as he began speaking to himself.

“You know, I’ve…I’ve been here for a very long time. And I remember many things. I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach and an older brother saying, “don’t step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish.” I remember the Tower of Babel…All 37 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled ‘divine wrath’. But come on - dried dung can only be stacked so high. I remember Cain and Abel…David and Goliath…Sodom and Gomorrah. And, of course, I remember the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, a girl, an old drunk and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending and the rules…And destiny…leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except… Well, what if I’ve made the wrong choice? How am I supposed to know?”

Castiel thought back to his arrangement with Crowley as he kept speaking. Telling his story to anyone that was willing to listen, hoping that his father was one of those. Castiel thought about how he in spite of reason, in spite of what Crowley had told him, still weren’t willing to turn the backs on the Winchesters.

“Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian. After all…they taught me how to stand up…What to stand for…And what generally happens to you when you do. I was…done. It was over. And then the most extraordinary thing happened. I was put back. And we had won. We stopped Armageddon. But at a terrible cost. And so I knew what I had to do next. Once again, I went to Harrow Hell, to free Sam from Lucifer’s cage. It was nearly impossible, but I was so full of confidence, of mission. I see now that was arrogance…Hubris…Because, of course, I hadn’t truly raised Sam – not all of him. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to be given a warning.This should have been mine.”

Castiel thought about how he had asked him to kill the Winchesters and how he had refused. They were his family. The weren’t angels. They were vessels but it was illogical for him to feel like this and he knew it. Still Sam and Dean were his brothers and Y/N… Castiel bowed his head in shame, knowing angels weren’t supposed to feel like this for humans. He knew nothing good would ever come of feelings like that, but he also couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t hurt her, nor could he let anyone else do so. She was the most important thing so with Crowley’s threats against her and her brothers Castiel went on a murder spree, to keep them all safe. To keep her safe. Killing every demon he thought Castiel would send their way. He protected them even if he knew they had begun to suspect him and he knew even with every word spoken between them, even with everything that had since come to pass he would do so again.

“Hiding…Lying…Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure and for a long time I was still sure I was doing the right thing. When I returned to heaven I wanted the same freedom the Winchesters had taught me to all the angels. I didn’t want there to be any leaders. I wanted there to be choice and free will to all. Had I understood then what I understand now I would have answered the other angels that freedom is a length of rope and God wants us to hang ourselves with it. The first weeks in Heaven were more difficult than I had imagined. Teaching freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish. And then there was Raphael.”

Castiel hung his head again as he remembered where all the choices that had now led to this had started. He remembered how Raphael wanted him to kneel to him and restart the apocalypse. No matter what Castiel said Raphael couldn’t or didn’t want to understand that the apocalypse didn’t have to be. Castiel hadn’t wanted to fight. He hadn’t wanted a civil war. He had never wanted to lead, but that was the role he had been given. A role that had lead to a string of choices he had felt were all right at the time, but now he was doubting every single one of them. Because of the pain on their faces. Because of the pain on her face. Y/N. The one human he had wanted to protect the most, had been the one human he had caused the most pain by his lying and hiding. She no longer trusted him and he couldn’t blame her. Still it hurt, more than anything he had ever felt in his very long, long life. Her pain caused him pain.

Castiel felt the tears that angels don’t cry press against his eyes as he recalled hiding in the shadows, watching how the oldest and youngest Winchester stood up for him. Still believing in him beyond reason when Bobby and Sam no longer were sure of the angels’ allegiance. He remembered the pain their argument had cost him, but he also didn’t doubt breaking into the light when Crowley’s demons attacked. He didn’t hesitate in killing every last one of them to save his brothers, the old man and Y/N. For a brief moment he had just allowed himself to react and he was himself again. There were no doubt in his mind what was right. There was no hesitance in his defense of his friends.  

Castiel knew that the moment that came after had been when he had made the choice that had sealed his faith and ended his friendship with the Winchesters and Bobby. It had been the decision that had put an end to whatever could have been between him and the youngest Winchester Y/N, who he cared for so deeply, before it even began. When they apologised for their doubt in him, he lied. He could have told them the truth and he was no longer sure that choice had been the right one. He mind was clouded by his emotions. Emotions no angel was supposed to feel. Or maybe his mind was clouded by his own hubris and mission. He was no longer sure so he was praying.

“Every decision I made was carved by good intentions. So is most long roads and this road brought me to a circle of holy fire.”

A tear fell down Castiel’s face, surprising himself as he thought about the look on her face as Bobby lit the circle around him. She was fighting herself, like she was still desperately holding onto hope that he hadn’t lied to them, or even if he had it wouldn’t be for the reason they all thought. Castiel remembered his best friend, the best friend he had ever had, pleading with him. Asking the angel to look him in the eye and tell him he weren’t working with Crowley. When he couldn’t lie to Dean any longer, her tears fell and Castiel’s heart broke into pieces. He had tried to explain himself, but his efforts had been too late. His lies had destroyed whatever trust the Winchesters and Bobby had once placed in him. He had tried regaining it by letting them know he had been the one breaking into the cage to pull Sam out, but the only response he had gotten was more anger and silence from her. She wouldn’t even look at him and still Castiel could feel her pain. Even know, a day later and miles from her he felt it. Tearing him to shreds.

He remembered look she had send him as Dean pulled her through the door with him. He remembered how he had wished he had stopped them. Pledge his allegiance to them once again and told them he would do whatever he could to fix everything he had broken between them, but he hadn’t. He had lied again. He had send them running moments before Crowley had broken in to save him. And now he was here sitting on a park bench with her pain mirrored in his own heart as Crowley’s words rang over and over in his head.

“You know the difference between you and me? I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?”

Castiel wiped his tears from his eyes and looked straight into the winter air as he started speaking again.

“So that is everything I guess. My story. I believe it’s what you would call a…Tragedy from the human perspective. But maybe the human perspective is…Limited. I don’t know.” Castiel’s eyes turned to the sky as he pleaded. “That’s why I’m asking you, Father. One last time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me…A sign. Give me a sign…”

Castiel pictured her smile. He remembered the feel of her embrace and the feelings she had stirred in him, before he for once and all pushed them aside. His voice almost broke as he made his decision.

“Because if you don’t…I’m gonna ju– I’m gonna do whatever I… Whatever I must…”


End file.
